[ Well. She thinks, carefully, for awhile. Trying to put in terms that could be expressed, that feeling, that aches in utter purpose all the way through her. ] When I have my sword, training, or when the plasma arc crackle? My whole body feels alive. I can feel every limb, every sound, every feeling. The heat on my face from the shot fired, the ache of my muscles holding a sword so tightly.
[ A shaky laugh, it's not something she can be, not as a woman, not on Barrayar. Why she had been sent to schools in Beta Colony. The only place she could express any of it. No one there would care, not the same way if she spent too long in firing ranges. ]
[ There's a wry smile on his face as he listens to her. What a strange creature this is, his fiancee. Did his father agree to this union in the hopes that she'd kill him? The wistful eagerness on her face, after all, is equal to the wistfulness she wears while talking about love and sex. ]
[ A fair question, but to that end, she isn't troubled. She shakes her head. ] What I wish, is that I could have been born exactly as myself, and that be all that would be enough.
[ And wasn't that the trick? ] Don't you? The games you play, to push people back. Don't you tire of them too?
[ She smile is tired, more than anything, leaning back in to press her forehead against his chest. ]
You know you are. I cannot make you out at all. You would kiss me one minute, but chide me another. You ask me all my thoughts and make me feel listened too - then when I say what I know to be true: that all their stories of your wickedness are false, you tell me not to bother and that I am deluded.
[ The yawn that follows again, is wider, she could sleep here - if he just stayed still. That steady beat of his heart that she could hear. Quiet and sure. Easy, easy, easy. ]
I think I will be quite happy, marrying you.
[ An honesty she has no shame in - when she won't be remembering much of this later. ]
[ His hand stills, and the beat of his heart shudders, slowing its pace. A physical manifestation of the very real fear that meets her words. After a moment, though, he returns to stroking her hair. ]
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[ Well. She thinks, carefully, for awhile. Trying to put in terms that could be expressed, that feeling, that aches in utter purpose all the way through her. ] When I have my sword, training, or when the plasma arc crackle? My whole body feels alive. I can feel every limb, every sound, every feeling. The heat on my face from the shot fired, the ache of my muscles holding a sword so tightly.
[ A shaky laugh, it's not something she can be, not as a woman, not on Barrayar. Why she had been sent to schools in Beta Colony. The only place she could express any of it. No one there would care, not the same way if she spent too long in firing ranges. ]
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Do you wish you'd been born a man?
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[ And wasn't that the trick? ] Don't you? The games you play, to push people back. Don't you tire of them too?
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To push people back? My word, you must think me a labyrinth of a man. I play games to have fun, dear lady.
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You know you are. I cannot make you out at all. You would kiss me one minute, but chide me another. You ask me all my thoughts and make me feel listened too - then when I say what I know to be true: that all their stories of your wickedness are false, you tell me not to bother and that I am deluded.
[ Her head turns, yawns widely. ]
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To be fair, you amply deserve both those kisses and those rebukes.
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Will you promise to give me both often?
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I think I will be quite happy, marrying you.
[ An honesty she has no shame in - when she won't be remembering much of this later. ]
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I wonder. But I hope so.
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I am sure of it.
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[ Another moment, and then he reaches out to wrap his hands around her upper arms. ]
All right. Up you get.