[ But nor does she stop, those open unforgiving promises that will only take, but give, something small and fragile back into his hands as she brushes her calloused fingers against his cheek. The curve of his nose, against the bow of his top lip. Enamoured, she remembers once, was to be full of - she thinks it apt now. ]
I did not say leave bed.
[ More innocent than what it sounds, at least to her mind. ]
Ah - [ She squirms, suddenly, wriggling back at the edge, her fingers stopping in her path over his features, her face flushing from the neck up in the suddenly skipped-quick heart beat. She was doing her best not to think about that - why, exactly, she had no idea. If the stories were to be believed, and by the gossip from other women, she would have no discomfort where that was concerned. In fact, they had insisted, as long as he stayed interested - ( don't worry after a little while, was the whisper when the engagement was made public, he will look else where. A man with his appetites, it will be quite natural. You will be relieved, honestly - ) - she would never be unsatisfied. The pat on her shoulder, they had heard he was considerate, even for a Vorrutyer.
Perhaps she should be looking forward to it. But there was something to it, not quite named yet. ] - well, that too.
[ His face softens. Honestly...how is it possible that there's a woman in the world still capable of blushing? And why on earth did they feed her to him?
He reaches out and touches her hand, a small apology. ]
No, not that, dear lady. That's not a duty. Only something you want or don't want. Altogether your choice.
[ His carefulness will be her undoing, she knows, her eyes close, her head tilting into it. ]
I do, I do want -
[ A thought that had been hovering, since she'd kissed him - and having a Betan mother, going to Betan schools, meant she wasn't an idiot about it, even if she'd lacked in half the practical experience beyond messy kisses with class mates. Half a sight better than too many girls her own age, but even so - she has been careful in her imaginings. She wants to watch him, she knows, she wants to sigh his name, roll him under her. Kiss down his chest, his lips, and watch those beautiful eyes as she makes love to him. Takes out a shaky breath and makes sure to tuck it further away. Drunk she might be, that she knows better to than express it -
- even if it's a sharp plain expression behind her eyes, when they open up, flicking to his before she swallows. ] I do.
[ She nods - more sensible than she is right now, nor does she feel particularly seductive, with the awful taste in her mouth and that hazy exhaustion fogging her mind. ]
You are a good man, Byerly Vorrutyer. I will never let anyone say otherwise near me again.
[ Firm, direct, and something she will remember, let her carve it into her skin so that she does not forget it. ]
Even if you're succumbing to that delusion, it's certainly not worth fighting other people over. Though - actually - I wonder if you just want an excuse to fight.
[ She shakes her head, laughing happily. ] I never need an excuse. Life presents me many reasons all of itself.
[ A happy correction, as shifts down off the bench ledge, wobbly legs of a new born deer, so far as her ability to hold herself up goes. Taking steps after another. ] But is exactly what is worth fighting over.
[ Well. She thinks, carefully, for awhile. Trying to put in terms that could be expressed, that feeling, that aches in utter purpose all the way through her. ] When I have my sword, training, or when the plasma arc crackle? My whole body feels alive. I can feel every limb, every sound, every feeling. The heat on my face from the shot fired, the ache of my muscles holding a sword so tightly.
[ A shaky laugh, it's not something she can be, not as a woman, not on Barrayar. Why she had been sent to schools in Beta Colony. The only place she could express any of it. No one there would care, not the same way if she spent too long in firing ranges. ]
[ There's a wry smile on his face as he listens to her. What a strange creature this is, his fiancee. Did his father agree to this union in the hopes that she'd kill him? The wistful eagerness on her face, after all, is equal to the wistfulness she wears while talking about love and sex. ]
[ A fair question, but to that end, she isn't troubled. She shakes her head. ] What I wish, is that I could have been born exactly as myself, and that be all that would be enough.
[ And wasn't that the trick? ] Don't you? The games you play, to push people back. Don't you tire of them too?
[ She smile is tired, more than anything, leaning back in to press her forehead against his chest. ]
You know you are. I cannot make you out at all. You would kiss me one minute, but chide me another. You ask me all my thoughts and make me feel listened too - then when I say what I know to be true: that all their stories of your wickedness are false, you tell me not to bother and that I am deluded.
[ The yawn that follows again, is wider, she could sleep here - if he just stayed still. That steady beat of his heart that she could hear. Quiet and sure. Easy, easy, easy. ]
I think I will be quite happy, marrying you.
[ An honesty she has no shame in - when she won't be remembering much of this later. ]
[ His hand stills, and the beat of his heart shudders, slowing its pace. A physical manifestation of the very real fear that meets her words. After a moment, though, he returns to stroking her hair. ]
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I did not say leave bed.
[ More innocent than what it sounds, at least to her mind. ]
But I will do it whenever I can, until you know.
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So is this what a wife's duty to her husband looks like? It's rather more chaste than I was expecting.
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Perhaps she should be looking forward to it. But there was something to it, not quite named yet. ] - well, that too.
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He reaches out and touches her hand, a small apology. ]
No, not that, dear lady. That's not a duty. Only something you want or don't want. Altogether your choice.
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I do, I do want -
[ A thought that had been hovering, since she'd kissed him - and having a Betan mother, going to Betan schools, meant she wasn't an idiot about it, even if she'd lacked in half the practical experience beyond messy kisses with class mates. Half a sight better than too many girls her own age, but even so - she has been careful in her imaginings. She wants to watch him, she knows, she wants to sigh his name, roll him under her. Kiss down his chest, his lips, and watch those beautiful eyes as she makes love to him. Takes out a shaky breath and makes sure to tuck it further away. Drunk she might be, that she knows better to than express it -
- even if it's a sharp plain expression behind her eyes, when they open up, flicking to his before she swallows. ] I do.
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He kisses her forehead, chaste, polite. ]
That's a declaration I'll need to hear from a sober Lakshmi.
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You are a good man, Byerly Vorrutyer. I will never let anyone say otherwise near me again.
[ Firm, direct, and something she will remember, let her carve it into her skin so that she does not forget it. ]
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[ His lips quirk up helplessly. ]
Even if you're succumbing to that delusion, it's certainly not worth fighting other people over. Though - actually - I wonder if you just want an excuse to fight.
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[ A happy correction, as shifts down off the bench ledge, wobbly legs of a new born deer, so far as her ability to hold herself up goes. Taking steps after another. ] But is exactly what is worth fighting over.
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[ He lifts an eyebrow. ]
And what is it that's so fun about fighting?
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[ Well. She thinks, carefully, for awhile. Trying to put in terms that could be expressed, that feeling, that aches in utter purpose all the way through her. ] When I have my sword, training, or when the plasma arc crackle? My whole body feels alive. I can feel every limb, every sound, every feeling. The heat on my face from the shot fired, the ache of my muscles holding a sword so tightly.
[ A shaky laugh, it's not something she can be, not as a woman, not on Barrayar. Why she had been sent to schools in Beta Colony. The only place she could express any of it. No one there would care, not the same way if she spent too long in firing ranges. ]
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Do you wish you'd been born a man?
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[ And wasn't that the trick? ] Don't you? The games you play, to push people back. Don't you tire of them too?
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To push people back? My word, you must think me a labyrinth of a man. I play games to have fun, dear lady.
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You know you are. I cannot make you out at all. You would kiss me one minute, but chide me another. You ask me all my thoughts and make me feel listened too - then when I say what I know to be true: that all their stories of your wickedness are false, you tell me not to bother and that I am deluded.
[ Her head turns, yawns widely. ]
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To be fair, you amply deserve both those kisses and those rebukes.
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Will you promise to give me both often?
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I think I will be quite happy, marrying you.
[ An honesty she has no shame in - when she won't be remembering much of this later. ]
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I wonder. But I hope so.
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I am sure of it.
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[ Another moment, and then he reaches out to wrap his hands around her upper arms. ]
All right. Up you get.